Modify your Spending

The economy is bad and you still want to spend. It seems too difficult to control, but if you do not stop you will face grave financial consequences. Does this sound like you? Do you want to know why you are spending despite your budget crunch? Do you want to know how to stop this reckless spending? You will learn an easy technique by reading this information.

The following paragraphs highlight the unhealthy motivations for spending and offer suggestions for how to successfully modify this impulse.

Why we spend

There are two main reasons we spend money: 1) we need to purchase necessities and 2) we are inherently impulsive with behaviors that alter our mood. This article will focus on the latter because it is purely unhealthy.

Impulsive Spending

Impulsive spending typically occurs when we need to alter our mood. When we are stressed, we spend. When we are bored, we spend. When we are angry, we spend. Finally, when we are excited, we spend. Feelings and mood states motivate our every action, even spending. When any of the aforementioned mood states motivate spending the results will always be negative. Spending is like a drug that satisfies a craving to experience an altered mood state. It briefly alleviates stress, boredom, and anger, and increases excitement. However, the aftermath only increases these feelings.

How to modify impulsive spending

In order to modify impulsive spending we have to know what it does for us and what we are telling ourselves from the initial urge to the final purchase. Spending essentially makes us feel better. The act of acquiring something new is exciting, and this excitement momentarily distracts us from our negative feelings, such as anger, sadness, fear, and hopelessness. While it does not make logical sense that you might be spending more now when resources are limited, you can see the emotional reasons as your negative feelings likely have increased with the stress you are experiencing in this struggling economy.

You can use your feelings as cues to learn what you are telling yourself in the spending process. You might say to yourself, “I need that, “or “I deserve to have something nice,” when you are experiencing a negative emotion.  Once you know what you are telling yourself, you can change your internal dialogue. For instance, you might challenge these thoughts with thoughts like this: “I do not need that. I am feeling the urge to spend money because I feel angry or bored.” This will allow you to interrupt the urge to spend and give you control of the impulse.  You can repeat this exercise whenever you feel the urge to spend money on anything that is not a necessity. You will have plenty of opportunity to reward yourself and purchase luxuries when the economy improves.

When it comes to your health, there are things you can do to influence your luck in the healing process.  I have composed my top three methods for getting better faster and sometimes even changing a terminal situation.
1)    First, keep a good positive outlook.  I am sure you all have those friends who always seem to be sick.  If someone around them catches a cold, they catch a cold.  If someone around them has a sore back, they have a sore back.  They are constantly complaining about what ails them.  Much of this, I believe, exists because that is what they are attracting to themselves.

Seriously, if you keep on telling yourself that your back hurts, eventually your back will start to hurt.  It really is mind over matter.

It always amazed me as a child, and even as my kids were growing up, how few times we ever missed school the day of a field trip at school, or the school picnic, or a Friday before a long weekend.  Why was this?  Because we knew those were fun days or that if we were sick before the weekend we couldn’t play with our friends all weekend long.

In reality, our positive outlook on the day’s experience told our mind “do not let our body be sick today”.

When my family had come to the realization that my Mother could no longer live at home with my Dad (she had a mild stroke, which was caused by a tumor on her heart, and had started getting dementia), I remember hearing over and over in my head her telling me, “Please don’t ever put me in a nursing home.”  As I called around to the different Assisted Living facilities I was told over and over “we cannot provide that level of care, check with a nursing home”.  As I looked at my list of facilities and numbers, I told myself this one will be the one.  I dialed the number and the pleasant woman on the other end of the phone said, “Yes, we can definitely help you and your mother.”

As my family and I arrived at the facility, I found a penny (I believe finding pennies is good luck) on my way into the facility.  The woman who met with us was so incredibly positive, and told us how she began working there because her own mother spent her final years at the facility.  She explained that it was such a positive experience for her; she wanted to share with others.

I truly believe that the positive outlook of the facility and the people associated with it have helped not only my family’s outlook and abilities to help with my mother’s care, but by working together to decrease my mother’s medications, her mental capacity has dramatically improved.

2)     Laughter really is the best medicine.  Most people look for the negative side of health and that is what they focus on.  Maybe it is just my upbringing, maybe my family is demented but we always seem to find something funny about our hospital visits.  I can remember I got my tonsils out when I was 17 years old.  My older sister sent me flowers and when she ordered them she told the clerk “my younger sister is getting her tonsils out.”  Well the clerk must have just assumed I was 8 or 9 years old because she delivered me a giant sunflower with a smiley face on the flower with googlie eyes and a smile that changed from a full toothey grin to sticking its tongue out at you.  My sister asked who sent the childish flowers when she came to visit and we both laughed when I told her “you did”.  Even though it initially hurt to laugh, I went home within 24 hours from the hospital and was eating regular foods the next day.  I still told my mom it hurt for the next week though, just for the ice cream.
The gift of laughter, I feel helped me through my two pregnancies and my deliveries.  I remember several funny experiences during the Lamaze classes.  One time during the class the girls’ father and I were “visualizing a peaceful place” and working on our relaxation techniques.  I suddenly heard snoring next to me.  Dave had apparently found such a peaceful place he decided to take a nap there.  They also showed a lame video where the husband was massaging his wife’s back with a shower head.  He started by saying “She’s coming, she’s coming”, and for some reason started to sing “She’ll be coming around the Mountain” to his wife.  Dave and I both laughed about the singing being worse than labor itself.  On the day I did go into labor, I was in the midst of pushing and the nurse said, “She’s coming, she’s coming.”  Dave and I both looked at each other and immediately started to laugh, thinking about the “She’ll be coming around the Mountain” performance.  Needless to say, I am probably one of the few women who were laughing while delivering a 7 lb., 11 oz. baby girl.
I truly believe laughter can make all things in life less painful and helps in the healing process.
3)     Lastly, and to me most importantly, is how God can help improve your health.  Whoever your God is, there are times when you are sick and you have to put your faith in God and know that he will be your strength to get you through.  Practitioners in the field of medicine will tell you that they have seen or experienced unexplainable healing of sick patients.  A friend of my brother’s was going in to have an emergency ultrasound and possible delivery.  They had believed that she had miscarried in her third trimester and would be delivering a still born baby.  On her way to the hospital the friend prayed to God that if everything was okay to give her a sign.  Before going in, she said God show me one red rose as a sign that my baby is okay.  When she had arrived at the desk the receptionist said, “This was just delivered for you.”  She handed her a single red rose in a bud vase that was sent by her sister who lived out of state.  She delivered her baby and that baby is a full grown woman today.
I just heard a sermon today where the young minister told the story of his own male parishioner getting diagnosed with a tumor on his lung.  The surgery was scheduled for the following Monday but instead of staying in the hospital his parishioner wanted to go home and watch the minister’s sermon from there.  During the sermon the minister talked about having faith in God and allowing him to heal you.   The male parishioner went to the hospital on Monday, after praying to God all weekend, knowing he was going to be fine.  After the surgery the doctor came in to the patient’s room and shared that he could not explain why they only found a small blood clot where the tumor was originally found on the x-ray.  He said that he had looked at x-rays for a long time and divine intervention was the only explanation he had for a mass the size of what was on the x-ray turning out to be a blood clot.
So remember, next time you are feeling under the weather, just remember how much control you have in the healing process and how you can make your luck at getting better.

Make and Accept your own Luck

We often thank luck for good things that happen to us and blame luck for our misfortunes. Have you ever thought that luck might be the product of our own minds or the effects of predetermined events dictated by energetic, spiritual, or theistic forces? These are questions I have contemplated since I began to realize that what I have considered luck (good or bad) in my experiences might really be the result of my own unconscious beliefs, what I attract to myself through my thoughts, and (my) God blessing me with good graces or pointedly challenging me for reasons that make sense only after considerable introspection into how I am living when these challenges are bestowed upon me.
In the following paragraphs I will discuss the influence of the unconscious mind, energetic attraction, spiritual beliefs, and belief in a higher power on what typically is experienced as luck.

The Unconscious Forces Responsible for Luck

The power of the unconscious mind is a concept that is generally accepted in our society. We all do things that don’t make sense and for which there is no conscious explanation. For example, you likely have on occasion done things like forgotten something you needed for work, used words you did not mean to use, or referred to your spouse as your mother or father in conversation. These are some simple examples of how what is stored in the unconscious mind is expressed in ways that are beyond our control. Therapists work to help us understand our unconscious mind so that it does not need to be expressed in defeating ways and can be used to enhance our lives. So how does this relate to luck? Let me explain. If you are plagued by unconscious fear, doubt, or pessimism, you likely will have experiences that both illustrate these states of mind and allow the feelings to be expressed. In other words, you might experience bad luck. Conversely, if you are confident, hopeful, and optimistic, your experience will be contrary, and you might experience good luck. You see, our unconscious feelings direct us to act out in ways that will represent them. So if you have negative unconscious feelings you will seek experiences that can be considered to be the result of bad luck, whereas positive unconscious feelings will cause you to seek good experiences. Although we do not have direct access to our unconscious mind, we do have the ability to engage in some introspection (self-exploration) to explore what thoughts and feelings directed our actions that were experienced as luck when good or bad luck strikes.

Energetic Attraction

We are all comprised of energy. If you don’t believe it, just feel your pulse. Your pulse is confirmation that your heart is beating, and your heart is beating because it is charged with energy. In fact, energy is stored in every molecule in our bodies, and is expended in every action and reaction. This same energy connects us to the world. Some energy is negative, some is positive. If you emit negative energy, you will receive negative energy in return in the form of bad luck experiences. If you emit positive energy, you will attract good energy and good luck. It sounds simple and it is if you believe in the power of energetic attraction. If you do not believe, then you will not be able to benefit from this phenomenon. I have enjoyed the benefits of energetic attraction more in recent time by choosing to face every day with a positive attitude, no matter what challenges lie ahead or what negativity others around me may be giving off to the world. It takes practice, however, because we are all inclined to act in ways that are most comfortable to us, even if they are negative. Be sure to challenge yourself every day to generate positive energy through positive thoughts and actions to experience the benefits of energetic attraction.

Spiritual Beliefs

To be spiritual is to believe that there are forces beyond us that influence our lives. Are you spiritual? Do you believe events are predetermined or that forces align to affect outcomes? If so, then you might understand why sometimes you have good luck and sometimes it’s bad. Spiritual philosophy suggests that things happen for specific reasons, and we have little control in such instances. While this knowledge or belief in spirituality might not give you control of what type of luck you will have, it will help you understand that your experience, good or bad, was necessary to affect change in some related way—perhaps to help someone or align your life with forces that will help you in the future. Subscription to this spiritual philosophy will help you accept good luck experiences and tolerate bad luck experiences without further contemplation. You can apply this to your next bad luck experience to change any related negative energy you might emit as a result.

Belief in a Higher Power

Belief in a higher power takes spirituality to the next level. If you believe that God dictates every event in your life, then you will accept your good and bad luck as necessary predetermined experiences. God might bless you with positive experiences as reward for good deeds or because you believe in his or her strength and best interest for you. On the other hand, you will accept God’s challenges as messages that he or she wants you to pay attention to something important, or that good results will come from your personal challenge. You also might believe that these challenges are cues to restore your belief and confidence in God and ask for help and guidance if you are off track.

In the case of belief in a higher power, luck essentially does not exist, and everything happens for God’s reason. This state of mind eliminates the curiosity about luck, but might encourage “why me” questions to God when you are faced with challenges. You can use these as cues to examine your faith and make necessary adjustments through insight you gain from these experiences.

Are you communicating with your spouse? Communication is given much lip service, no pun intended, by relationship experts. While most couples understand that communication is important for a long lasting and healthy relationship, its definition eludes them. Conceptually, the need for effective communication in healthy relationships is clear. However, applying good communication skills is far more challenging. Why is this? For starters, in order to use effective communication, we have to know what it means. Is talking good communication? Is listening good communication? While these are important elements of effective communication, they are not solely effective. There are several levels of communication that need to be understood before success with it is possible. The following paragraphs highlight several main tenets of healthy communication including the three levels of understanding, content and process, and perception.

The three levels of understanding

Everyone wants to be understood. We are validated when we are understood. We feel important when we are understood. And most importantly, we feel wanted when we are understood. Like the term communication, understanding has a complex definition. Most of us believe we know its meaning, but in my experience as a relationship counselor, many couples cannot recall experiencing true understanding by in their relationship. As I have helped couples navigate through relationship problems stemming from poor communication, I have traced many of them back to a lack of understanding of each others’ needs and wants. From a basic awareness of what your spouse is asking to the most complex and dynamic meaning of his or her needs, understanding is of paramount importance in a healthy and communicative relationship. My work has opened my eyes to three levels of understanding that I believe if achieved, can mend the most damaged relationships and strengthen healthy relationships.

Level 1

Level 1 understanding is quite simple. If you hear your spouse and can reflect back to him or her what he or she says, you have achieved level 1 understanding. This means that you are listening with undivided, or minimally divided attention, and you are generally concerned with what your spouse is trying to tell you. Your ability to reflect back their words or ideas reflects your willingness to pay attention to their thoughts, wishes, ideas, or concerns. This creates the foundation for levels 2 and 3 understanding.

Level 2

This level of understanding is where most couples are deficient and, as a result, where many problems often arise. To achieve level 2 understanding, couples must have some capacity to have empathy for their spouse’s position, feelings, and experience. To be empathic toward your spouse you have to be able to truly have a sense of what he or she may be feeling or experiencing. This requires your reflection on their experience and putting yourself in their position to imagine what the feeling is like. At this level you should be able to discuss and process your spouse’s experience and offer feedback and support in a way that will deepen your connection and create an environment safe for open expression of all emotions. Expression of emotions in a safe environment will build confidence in your relationship and prepare you for level 3 understanding.

Level 3

The third level of understanding requires not only an empathic gesture toward your spouse, but also a true experience of their emotion. Reaching this level is extremely challenging but ultimately rewarding. To some contemporary relationship experts, feeling your spouse’s feelings may suggest that codependence exists in your relationship. The term codependence received much attention in the previous two decades but has gradually faded as pop psychology has taken a back seat to real psychological interventions. In brief, codependence suggest that when couples share the feelings of their spouses, they have no sense of self and only feel what and when their spouse feels. The goal of interventions with codependent couples was to create boundaries between their own feelings. While this is definitely important to maintain independence and avoid enmeshment, like most things in our society, it was taken too far and actually had counterintuitive effects on relationships. Couples became fixated on having their own feelings and distancing themselves from the feelings of their spouses. Yes, this created independence and self preservation, but also resulted in spouses alienating themselves from each other. To achieve level 3 understanding you have to embrace the feelings of your spouse and actually experience them. As a couple you are one, and as one you experience and work through the same feelings, no matter who owns them. Healthy couples can share feelings, be in tune to their spouse’s feelings, help process their spouse’s feelings, and maintain fluid boundaries to continue self-preservation in a way that does not alienate their spouse. Having no sense of what your spouse is feeling can be as equally damaging as taking on your spouse’s feelings as your own so your spouse does not have to own them. Those with level 3 understanding have the ability to take on their spouse’s feelings, work through them with their spouse, and discern who owns them in their efforts to provide support.

Content and Process

The content of what we are saying is rarely, if ever, as important as how we are saying it. The process of our communication, or how we say something, has great significance in our relationships. If you say hello to your spouse in an angry tone, the feeling it will elicit will be much different from what he or she may feel with a loving hello. This is a simple example of how entire conversations are often held between couples. As human beings we are as in tune to the feelings we get in a conversation or dialogue as we are to the content of the discussion. In personal relationships we are more in tune with the process and feelings of our conversations than the content of our interaction. If you pay attention to how you are saying what you want to say, you may find that your spouse is more receptive and understands you better.

Perception

The old saying goes “perception is reality.” There is truth to this in relationships. I have often counseled couples who argue about different topics in the same discussion. How is this possible? It’s easy-they have misperceived what their spouse has said and react to their perception. Their perception is loaded with feeling usually from both here and now experiences and experiences from the past. The feeling is expressed in the here and now argument. This creates a dynamic in which each participant reacts to real feelings from the past and present and protects him or herself with defensiveness and anger, which fuels the argument further. This pattern continues until one submits, the couple stonewalls each other, or they avoid the point altogether, and often continues into the next discussion or argument. If you want to eliminate this pattern, clarify, clarify, clarify. Let me explain. You think your spouse has said something that has offended you and your typical reaction would be to defend yourself. You initiate an argument that persists into the next day or even later. This continues and you both feel more distant and helpless and misunderstood. The feelings are powerful and maybe disproportionate to the event but are nonetheless present. You feel that you can’t get your point across or be heard. The anger builds and you are likely to react to your spouse in your next argument with residue from this one as you have done many times in the past. How could this have been alleviated with clarification? Here’s how: when you believe that your spouse has said something with the meaning you have assigned, simply ask what he or she means and relate what you heard and how you experienced the statement. This will allow you to hear the meaning from his or her perspective. You can then compare it to what you believe he or she was saying. Your perception will be supported or confirmed.

Have you ever wondered or asked yourself:

Why don’t I start exercising even though I want to?
Why don’t I maintain my exercise program when I start it or resume when I get off track?
Why don’t I eat right when I know what is and isn’t good for me?

Here are some effective ways to conquer the thought processes and feelings that interfere with diet and exercise maintenance.

How much do our thoughts and feelings affect our ability to begin and maintain an exercise program? In my experience as a bodybuilder, trainer, and psychotherapist, I have found that about 90% of one’s ability to maintain a healthy diet and begin and engage in a regular exercise routine is directly influenced by his or her thoughts and feelings.

Most people start exercising and eating right with a plan to continue indefinitely. We buy diet books and exercise equipment with good intention to use them only to see dust collect on them after a couple of weeks, or even days, because the thoughts and feelings that motivated us to buy them usually subside after we submit the credit card information to the distributor. What’s good is that the very thoughts and feelings that motivated us to buy these products are ones we can use to motivate ourselves to eat right and exercise. We have to learn how to maintain the motivating thoughts and feelings and conquer the thoughts and feelings that pull us off track. Follow these simple rules to identify which thoughts and feelings to keep and which ones to conquer and expel.

Thoughts to keep

Reflect on what made you interested in eating right and exercising and purchasing products that you planned to use in your program. You may have had thoughts such as, “I want to feel better about myself,” I want to look better,” I need to be healthy,” and “I want to live longer so I have to change my diet and start exercising.” These are typical motivators to eating right and exercising that often subside when the emotion connected to them dissipates due to some distraction such as watching television, reading an interesting magazine, or perhaps eating your favorite food, all of which result in relatively instant mood alteration. Then we make excuses for not eating right and exercising and tell ourselves we can attempt it again at a later time. This triggers similar thoughts and eventually results in self-disgust and a negative pattern of alleviating the negative mood by eating or engaging in unhealthy thinking, feeling, and behaving. The motivation to eat right and exercise soon becomes yesterday’s thought and you resume your old ways again.

So, how do we maintain our motivating thoughts and feelings and expel those inhibiting us? First, identify the emotion connected to your initial motivating thought. Maybe you felt energized, motivated, or excited to make positive changes. Maybe it was fear that continuing down the path you are on will result in disastrous health effects. Or, maybe you felt tired of being tired and unhealthy. Second, try to embrace the emotion and keep it conscious by reminding yourself daily that it exists as you embark on your diet and exercise plan. Finally, identify and embrace the thoughts that make you feel good about eating right and exercising. You can also add some affirmations to your thinking, such as, “I deserve to be healthy,” “I will make time to plan my meals,” “I will eat healthy food,” and “I will make time to exercise.” If you keep your healthy thoughts and feelings conscious, you will find that beginning and maintaining a healthy diet and exercise program will be easier than you thought.

Thoughts to conquer

Everyone has negative thoughts now and then. However, some people allow them to rule their lives. Are you one of these individuals? If so, you can choose to change. Often, we think negatively because we have minimal self-respect, insecurity about our abilities and future, and lack of trust in ourselves and others. The foundation of negative thinking is in one’s perceptions of oneself. If you believe you are too far gone to be healthy, eating right won’t work for you, or you are too old to exercise, etc., then you may have low self-esteem or may be critical of yourself. This means that you have a negative perception of yourself. You also likely don’t believe you are worthy or deserving of good things. If you want to succeed at eating right and exercising, challenge these thoughts with simple statements like, “That’s my old thinking,” “I am now changing,” “there are my old thoughts again,” or “there I go again beating myself up.” You will soon find that changing your thoughts will change your feelings about yourself and you will feel that you deserve to eat right and exercise.

Too often life is shaped and influenced by the opinions, judgments, and direction of others. We live in a society that encourages and reinforces approval from external sources. We are evaluated at work, by our families and friends, and by our neighbors and passing acquaintances. Our families want us to succeed, we compete with our friends and neighbors for wealth and status, and we pay close attention to how our acquaintances perceive us. Essentially, we have extreme pressure to gain approval from those involved in our lives, from our closest family members to our most distant acquaintances.

Why do we seek approval? It is human nature to seek approval because it is at the foundation of our early experiences in life. We all work as children to gain approval from our parents and carry this into our adult lives where it is reenacted with parental symbols, such as work supervisors and spouses, and our “siblings” of society, such as friends, neighbors, and acquaintances with whom we unconsciously compete for approval. This pattern continues throughout our lives and robs us of the right to have balance and internal peace.

The dangers of constantly seeking approval have far reaching effects on happiness and meaning in life. When we seek approval, we live for it and lose our sense of self. This drive shapes our work, relationships, and confidence because we are essentially living for other people and purposes when we rely on external means for substantiation, and are at risk for harboring resentment against those parental symbols we rely on for approval and ourselves for needing it to feel worthy of existence. This resentment is expressed in relationships with aggression or neglect and is directed toward ourselves in manners that damage our sense of self. In such cases happiness and meaning escape us.

How do you stop seeking approval and live for yourself? Living for yourself is both simple and complex. It is simple because you only need approval from one person: you. It is complex because you might be your worst critic. You have to dismantle the critic and search for your own meaning beyond that which has been assigned to you by your parental symbols. While it is commendable to please your boss, accommodate your spouse, and help your friends, and exciting to impress your neighbors, each time you attempt to gain their approval you distance yourself from the real you. Only the real you can direct your true purpose.

Dismantling your inner critic requires you to search your psyche for critical self-statements and old patterns of relating with others in manners that reflect your need for their approval. You can begin by asking yourself to believe you have the right to exist without having to prove your worthiness. Next, target your critical self-statements with challenging rebuttals. The statements might sound like this: “I have to get this done or my boss will think I’m incompetent, “My wife will think I’m weak if I don’t do this right,” or “I won’t compare to my neighbor if I don’t have as much money or status as he has.” The rebuttals might sound like this: “I am competent no matter when I get this done,” “My wife loves me no matter how I do this,” and “I am equally as good as my neighbor if I make more or less money or have higher or lower status than he has.” This process will wear away at the motivations for seeking approval from external sources and free up the energy you need to find the real you.

Finding the real you will be exciting. Just think of and embrace all the things you like to do, the feelings you want to express, and reject the inhibitions you have allowed to interfere with your forward motion. When you embrace the things that make you who you are, the need for approval gradually dissipates because you no longer need it to feel real. This new or revived authenticity can be the point from which you shape your relationship with yourself, family, friends, superiors, and neighbors. If you like and value you, there is less need to live and compete for the approval from your parental symbols. So, let the real you rather than your need for approval direct your life and purpose. You do not have to know your purpose now and may find that being you is your purpose, but try living as the person you feel you are and worry less about how you are perceived by others, and you can be sure you will feel more enthusiastic about life and living it on your terms.

Divorce affects nearly 60% of our nation’s population. It does not discriminate among race, age, occupation, social status, socioeconomic status, or religion. Nearly everybody knows someone who has been divorced. It has become such a common social phenomenon that it is almost expected of marriages in our time. It has become the focus of jokes, television programs, movies, and marketing campaigns. What is lost in all of the sensationalizing and legitimizing of divorce is the devastating impact it has on children.

When children experience divorce, they feel at fault or believe that they should have been able to keep their parents together. They experience guilt and depression, and they often assume parental roles in the family to replace the missing parent figure. This can be extremely stressful and result in emotional, behavioral, social, and academic consequences for children.
In addition, their lives and schedules drastically change to accommodate their parents’ wish to be apart. However, despite the fact that the aftermath of divorce can be difficult, separation often is the right choice for men and women who are unable to get along and provide a stable and loving household for their children. The purpose of this article is not to discourage divorce; rather, it is meant to help parents help their children adjust to the changes that typically follow divorce.
The following steps can help children learn to deal with divorce by processing their emotions and maintaining healthy and consistent relationships with their mothers and fathers.
1.Make sure they know it is not their fault

Children are egocentric, essentially believing that the world revolves around them, they influence everything in their surroundings, and they cause good and bad things to happen. This is no different in the case of divorce.

When Mom and Dad get divorced, the children believe that it is their fault. They that think Mom or Dad is leaving them, and they do not understand the complexities of adult relationships that often result in divorce. Therefore, to the developing child’s mind, the only explanation for divorce that makes sense is that Mom or Dad is leaving because of him or her.

The child feels guilty and abandoned, with no ability to contemplate other possible reasons for the divorce that do not include him or her as central to the cause. It is the job of divorced parents to ensure their children with certainty that they are not the cause of the divorce.

They should explain to their children in plain, age-appropriate language that the divorce had nothing to do with them and that both Mom and Dad love them as they always have and will. This can be a daily discussion if necessary, but it should be initiated by parents on a regular basis during the initial phases of the divorce.

2.Do not talk negatively about the other parent

Degradation of the other parent in a divorce situation only adds to the confusion and pressure that children feel during this difficult time. The children want to please both parents, so when one criticizes the other, the children feel pressure to agree to avoid disappointing Mom or Dad. If both parents are critical, the children feel twice as much pressure.
In addition, children fear additional loss and abandonment in divorce situations, and they associate disappointing parents with the potential for further abandonment by one or both of them. Divorced parents should encourage healthy conversation about the other parent, and they should facilitate consistent visitation and relationship maintenance.

3.Schedule and maintain regular visitation, no matter what

Regular and consistent visitation is crucial to the ongoing development of children following a divorce. Children identify with their mothers and fathers as they form their own identities. If this is interrupted, the children are at risk of experiencing emptiness and seeking fulfillment from less favorable sources outside the family.
For example, if a female’s relationship with her father is interrupted following a divorce, she may turn to other men to replace her father and to get her needs met. Choosing abusive or neglectful men to meet her needs could have damaging effects on her sense of self and future relationships.
It is common for parents to deny or interrupt visitation in an effort to exact revenge on each other or manipulate one another. Parental use of children as pawns is never wise or good for their development. Divorced parents should create and maintain regular visitation schedules from the initial phase of the divorce.
4.Allow and encourage them to talk about their emotions

Expressing emotions is important in any traumatic situation. It releases energy, helps to build stronger relationships with those toward whom the emotions are expressed, and models healthy behavior for future relationships.
Children of divorce need to discuss their emotions with both of their parents and other supportive adults to ensure that they are expressed in an appropriate forum to decrease the potential of their being acted out. Humans are emotional beings and need to express their emotions in healthy ways to avoid negative expression and the development of psychological illnesses and symptoms or maladaptive behaviors. Parents need to encourage children to talk about their feelings during and after the process of divorce.
5.Do not use them as emotional surrogates

Sometimes, parents use their children as sounding boards or for support following divorce. Children lack the maturity and sophistication to handle adult emotions. Divorced parents should only relate their emotions to validate the emotions of their children. Otherwise, they might feel responsible for their parents’ emotions and take them on as their own. The parents need to use their emotions to be supportive, but they must process them with their adult friends and family, not their children. This will preserve the children’s confidence in the parents’ ability to be available for them.
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Matthew Capezzuto, Ph.D., LISW is a psychotherapist, relationship counselor, psychology instructor, and former bodybuilder. He has counseled thousands of individuals and couples on how to achieve health and prosperity in their lives and relationships. He also has helped individuals achieve their fitness goals through personal coaching and training. Dr. Capezzuto continues to counsel people in his private practice and is a principal member of Roadmaps To SUCCESS, the leading source for information on health, wealth, and happiness. For further information about Dr. Capezzuto, please visit www.RoadmapsToSUCCESS.com
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With today’s changing economic times it is always nice to know that you can still impress your sweetheart without going broke in the process. I have put together twenty-five of my favorite dates which cost less than $25.00.
1) Movie night: Get a movie free from the library or from your local video store, pop up some buttery popcorn, and get some special movie sized boxes of candy. Now all you have to do is put the movie in, turn the lights down, and enjoy the quiet and comfort of being in your own home.
2) Putt Putt: It is always fun to act like a child again and a good way to do it is with a game of putt-putt. Up the odds by wagering a back rub for the winner.
3) Art Exhibit: Most local galleries will have monthly art exhibits. Sometimes they are free to attend or they may have a nominal fee for entry. Who knows? You may identify the next Rembrandt or Picasso.
4) A night under the stars: Find a local planetarium (usually available at high schools or colleges). Most will offer a course which educates you on the different constellations. Not only is this a fun date, but you can impress your friends and family with what you learn at your next evening get together.
5) Make a morning of it: Take your date to a restaurant for breakfast. Not only is it a great start to the day, but breakfast is usually the cheapest meal to get at a restaurant.
6) Take a walk in the gardens: Enjoy not only the sites, but the scents of beautiful foliage at the local botanical garden. You don’t have to have a green thumb to enjoy nature’s beauty.
7) Bike or Hike: Plan out a bike ride or hike through a local park system or scenic path. Make sure you pack a snack and find a romantic spot along the way to enjoy it.
8)Wine Tasting: Most wineries will allow you to sample different wines to see which ones you like. Find your own special wine and maybe you can use it to toast special occasions for the two of you in the future.
9) Antiquing: In most major cities there is an area that is dedicated to antique shopping. Not only will you enjoy the memories of years gone by, but you might even find a memento for the days ahead. Just remember the shopping is free but the buying will cost you.
10) Local or High School theatre: Everyone gets a start somewhere. Enjoy the local talent or the future rising star by attending local theatre productions of Broadway shows. There is a lot of great local talent. Who knows? You may be watching the next Brad Pitt.
11) Enjoy the outdoors by sledding, skating, or roller blading: If you don’t enjoy the cold, you can always warm up by the fire afterwards.
12) Take a car ride: The time that you spend together riding in the car will give you opportunity to enjoy the sights and get to know each other better. Find a quaint little restaurant at your destination to grab dessert or a special beverage.
13) Pedicures: If you are a guy, give your girl a personal pedicure. Soak her feet in warm water with foot oil. Massage lotion on her feet and up her calves. Then, pick out your favorite color of nail polish to put on her toenails.
14) Zoo: It’s not only fun, but educational to attend a local zoo and check out the animals. If you want to make it really memorable, adopt an animal in your dates name and present them with the birth certificate when you get there. You not only help the zoo but it is also fun searching for your new adopted friend.
15) A quiet dinner for two: It’s an oldie, but a goody. Make your date all of their favorites but make sure you save room for dessert.
16) For the sports enthusiast: Try attending a semi-pro sports game. Usually all major metropolitan areas will have some sort of semi pro team (mostly hockey, baseball, or soccer). Tickets are normally a quarter of the price of professional teams.
17) Be Picky: Go to a local orchard or berry patch and pick the fruit of your choice. Then bake a pie, make a smoothie or just each it whole. Enjoy the fruits of your labor.
18) Enjoy the beauty of nature: There isn’t anything more romantic than enjoying the beauty of a sunset. Plan a picnic or a basket of wine, cheese and crackers and take in the joy and beauty that God has given us.
19) A very unique date that is relatively inexpensive is to go horseback riding. Not only can you enjoy the outdoor scenery but horseback riding is also good exercise.
20) You don’t have to be a poet to have poetic romance: Find a coffee shop, wine bar, or library that has poetry reading. If you really want to impress your date, write your own prose and read it at “open mic night”.
21) A Night at the Museum: No, this doesn’t mean to watch the movie. Instead attend some of the local museums in your area. Try to find out ahead of time if your date is an art enthusiast, likes flowers, or is into sports. This way you can find a museum that displays your date’s interests.
22) For the Book Worm: A great date that is not only educational but also spurs conversation is to go to a book store or library, read some books and then discuss them together over coffee or tea later. This is also a great way to get to know the interests of your significant other.
23) Bowling: You don’t have to be good to have fun and what better way to impress your date then by wearing multi colored shoes and a tacky shirt? Put a wager on your game to make it a little more fun, non-monetary bets are preferable.
24) Total Stress Relief: One of the least expensive dates that will definitely be appreciated is to give your partner a back rub. Lay out a blanket on the floor with a small pillow, light candles to set the ambiance and play soft music to relax their mind. Have them put on a robe and buy some massage oil to give it a true spa appeal. If you have the time, buy a massage technique book and practice your techniques on your partner.
25) The Scavenger Hunt: Probably one of my favorite dates has been a scavenger hunt. Write five to ten clues and lay out a scavenger hunt in your house, a garden, at the mall, or anywhere that has sentimental meaning to your partner. Make sure that each clue has a special message to your partner. Trust me, the end prize does not have to be big, just make it something personal and your partner will melt in your arms.
So remember, it is not the cost of the date that is important, it is the memories made by the date that will leave a lasting impression on your partner.